Thought storage post

Disclaimer: 'kay, this post sums things up for me and offers a kind of "introduction" to my blog. I am working to make sure it stays in the top spot of my homepage but if it doesn't, sorry and you need to go look for it.


Breakin' up is hard to do

You expect me to be there for you. I can't be your safety net anymore. I can't be your first call. I can only do chit chat with you. Actually, I need to break things off for awhile so I can get my bearings.

You knock me for a loop every time you contact me. I just can't live like that. Hell, right now I am hoping you will contact me after your shrink appointment and how fucked up is that. It only drags out the pain and I want it over. I want to work through this and emerge on the other side. I have no idea what the future will bring...all I can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep taking steps.

You hurt me. I trusted you and now that is gone. I was an idiot for jumping in like I did but quite frankly I couldn't stop it...neither could you.

God this hurts. It feels like my breath is being sucked from the room. The vacuum left by your betrayal feels like it is too much to overcome. Truth was a given for us or so I thought.

I just gotta feel bad for awhile and you have to be out of the picture for me to heal. I can't be your friend right now. It isn't healthy for me and that is my primary concern right now. You have people to help you - I can't be one of them...
You can't be one of mine either.

I lost so much in 24 hours. I'm not sure how it happened - my head is still spinning. It is a little clearer now about what I need to do. My friend Craig said you have "issues" - damn he is spot on.

Your comments:

1. You love me (as Tina Turner says, what's love got to do with it ?)
2. You want a future with me (ditto - aint that a bitch)
3. Timing is the problem, if only, yada yada (whatever - I have no response to this)
4. You think about me when you're with her (again, what am I supposed to say ? The operative phrase is "with her")
5. You list all the great things about us (see # 2)
6. I make you happy (see # 2)
7. Mg will never work out - you need closure on it (see # 3)
8. It needs to run its course (fuck that, grow up)
9. You will earn the batphone back (not up to you - that's up to me)
10. You are running a risk that I will fall in love, etc (Please, that is more wallowing and manipulating on your part.)
11. You want her to leave, you want me but she has a hook. (whatever, be a grown up)
12. You know I won't be alone, I'll be dating - this you say in a forlorn voice with puppy dog eyes (wtf ? again, trying to manipulate me into saying I'll wait, don't worry, whatever. )

You never let me finish - you keep saying what you need to say and demanding time to calm down (Friday you "just couldn't hear me"). We never come back to this so everything is unfinished for me. Talk about lack of closure. That is just selfish.

I do love you - that's why this hurts so much. Coulda, woulda, shoulda is pointless. Weird, there is still that voice that is asking me to wait, slow down, don't cut things off right now cuz the results could be catastrophic. That voice has merit but can't determine my actions. I won't be prisoner to "what might be" - hard to maintain self respect. We both know you would lose respect for me as well.

I realized that it doesn't matter how I deconstruct this or talk it to death...the result is the same. I want to say I'll wait, call me when you figure this shit out, we can be friends, etc. Some of that may be true but it can't happen until I get my bearings.You do move me and that hasn't changed. ...i
t just isn't an emotionally safe thing for me right now.

On some level I want you to hurt like I do, I want you to feel the loss, I want you to ache for "us." Problem is those voices are not as loud as the others. Fuck, that sucks on quite a few levels.

I wish I could say "I hope you find true happiness" or "I am sorry you are hurting." Truth is I believe those things in my heart - I just feel like I am betraying myself a little if I say that while hurting this much. How odd is that ?!!

Weird, I am texting the batphone which is oddly helpful. I still can say "good morning" and that is some comfort.

The articles I read (you know I love to do research) all say it gets easier, distractions are important, write and don't have contact for awhile to heal. I know time heals all wounds - I also know my "worst hour" can only be 60 minutes long. That I can hang onto.

I have absolutely no regrets about us - it was incredibly good in so many areas. I would do it all over again to have such an amazing experience. I still feel blessed. I also feel pissed at God.

I keep looking at my contacts and seeing if you are on chat. That is sooo fucked up...and normal. Shit, you're back on chat. I feel me heart beat and can't breathe for a minute. I want to IM you, to ask how you are, how did the appointment go. I can't do that. Maybe I should make myself "visible" to see if you will respond. Yeah, even I know that is a secret love test.Funny thing is you would probably pass it.LOL

I de-friended you on facebook today (only 2 days after you confirmed me as a friend). I went to your site and saw the responses from mg. I can't put myself in that position. I can't read anything from her...can't see her interactions with you. She has what I crave.

I miss you. I hate her. God is a total asshole. I'm gonna strut my slut tonight and download some old school country. The song "Breakin' up is hard to do" is playing in my head.Fuck, I don't even like Neil Sedaka

This is supposed to be a letter that I won't send so I can be completely honest. I'm not sure if that is what I'll do or not. I do know I won't send it today. I want to though...


Lil Bit said...

Oh, "unsent" letters can be so liberating to write! ... Hope you writing out one for 'whoever' helped you to compartmentalize and find clarity where you needed it, girl.


Alyx said...

My heart goes out to you, sweetie. I know firsthand what you're going through. *wry grin* Hang in there. At some point the balance tips and the longing will fade. It will be clear to you that whatever pleasure you found is not worth the heartache and stress that comes with it. (I'll tell you when I reach that point. *LOL*)

Seriously, it sucks to be in a manipulative relationship, and it sucks when you're first out of it and missing that person in spite of all the manipulation. Sending hugs your way.


Abe's Heart said...

I've been kind of out of the loop for a lot of blogs, lately...

...sending you late ((hugs))) and
honestly enjoying your honesty in this letter. You're gonna be fine, I know..big courage here.

x,Abe's Heart.