Thought storage post

Disclaimer: 'kay, this post sums things up for me and offers a kind of "introduction" to my blog. I am working to make sure it stays in the top spot of my homepage but if it doesn't, sorry and you need to go look for it.



6.09.2008

Hello

Ahhh, I hear the “Hi honey” when you walk into our home…same words I’ve have said for the past 10 years.

“Hey babe, I’m in the fill-in-the-blank.” Always my response.

We change the dialogue a little if I get home after you. Ritual is always the same. I find comfort in this familiarity…security in the consistency.

We have developed a lot of these little rituals over the last decade. I used to find them endearing.

I don’t anymore.

Not sure when that happened…or why.

I know you’ll make your way to my location, you always do. I’ll turn and welcome your embrace…a time when I can catch my breath.

Just be…that’s all, just be…the two of us shut out the world for a brief moment.

I notice the brief look that passes over your face…lasts a few seconds…doesn’t linger. You want to be somewhere else for that moment…only for those few seconds.

This isn’t the first time I’ve seen that look.

It’s been around for awhile.

Our embrace…you used to catch your breath …sometimes you hold your breath now…slightly.

I notice.

Remember when being apart for one hour seemed unbearable. We clutched each other as tight as possible.

Savored every moment together.

You took my breath away every time I laid eyes on you…the most beautiful creature I had ever seen… You still are.

I just keep breathing now.

Hellos are over and its time for the routine of family…our family.

Time for dinner (my turn) and laundry (your turn). We’ll continue to complete the necessary tasks. Make sure homework is done…baths are taken…teeth are brushed…good night kisses are given. I’ll check on the kids on my way to bed (too old to be tucked in) and pull the covers up on Jack…and Rachel. I know you’ll repeat this ritual.

We perform these things effortlessly…this family routine.

It’s the “us” things that are taking effort...have you noticed?

I don’t know how to reach you…that part that you hide from the world…protect from everything and everyone.

Except me…until now.

I remember when you let me in…abandoned your fear.

Accepted my trust…

It was before kids and a mortgage…when nothing was brighter than my love for you.

And your love for me.

I notice you come in the bedroom…that little hint of peace in your eyes. You’ve already checked on the kids.

I remember before we were parents…and guarded. Where was I when the walls were rebuilt? Where were you?

That was a long time ago…our “newlywed” days. Passion fueled our days and nights…fire always smoldering under the surface just waiting for a spark.

The time you grabbed me and threw me over your lap. I had never seen you that angry before.

Or since.

The look of shock on your face (and mine) as we entered the kitchen. I swear I had turned off the burner. The acrid smoke from the burning towel filled the room.

I swear I had turned off the burner.

Fire extinguisher…wet towel in the sink…opened door and windows. ..and finally crumbling into your arms in tears… I swear I had turned off the burner.

Apparently not.

I remember bursting into tears as I held up the remnants of the “cow” towel.

You held me while I cried…told me everything was okay…everyone was okay.

After the tears had dried and smoke had cleared more details emerged. …everything changed. The issue wasn’t the burner…it was the towel.

My habit of leaving the kitchen towel on the stove after I had wiped it off. We had discussed this several times and I had promised to be more careful– agreed it was dangerous.

You pushed me back and met my gaze. “Excuse me, did you say you left the towel on the stove after dinner?” you asked in a near whisper through clenched teeth. Now, I had already been traumatized from the events, felt horrible and made my apologies. I could feel a flicker of defiance creep in my response. “Yes. I must have overlooked it on the stove after I cleaned up. ” I didn’t add that clean up was your responsibility although I wanted to. The more you glared at me the angrier I got. I remember jerking away from you and folding my arms across my chest, daring you to say anything.

I notice that faraway look on your face…I also see the crossed arms and slight wistful smile.

I haven’t seen you smile like that in a long time…guess only faraway places bring that smile to your lips now.

I walk behind you and put my arms around your waist. I inhale the soft scent of baby shampoo and Mr. Bubbles. It must have been Rach’s night to get her hair washed.

We stand there for a minute…locked in this comfortable place. You turn your head slightly and grab my eyes. Raising my eyebrow I wait for you…

“Remember when the cow towel caught fire ….”

Oh yeah, I remember the cow towel incident.

Remember how angry you got when I glared at you? I couldn’t believe you were still so angry after the apology. You apparently couldn’t believe I wasn’t more contrite. It seemed like we stared at each other forever, neither willing to look away. Finally, the smoldering anger in your eyes erupted and you grabbed my arm.

I remember your refusal to back down until I had reached my limit. I was determined to make sure you clearly understood the danger of your actions. Fueled by fear and anger I grabbed your arm, pulled out a kitchen chair and pulled you over my lap in one fell swoop.

You were sure surprised.

Yeah, I was surprised by your swift actions. I remember being shocked and in total disbelief that you would have the audacity to lay a hand on me. I clearly informed you of my views.

You responded a second later as your hand came crashing down on my posterior. Disbelief was quickly replaced with fury…and embarrassment. This wasn’t going to happen to me – absolutely not.

I remember how angry you were with the first smack. You kicked and screamed at the injustice of it all.
Yep, you certainly got in touch with your angry inner child that day.

I didn’t care – you had jeopardized your safety (and mine). That was intolerable and I was determined to make sure it was not repeated.

Wow, you hit hard. After a few minutes, you flipped up my skirt and down went my panties. I remember you telling me that I was acting like a child and you were going to treat me like one.

That one act of baring my bottom stopped me in my tracks. I felt this huge wave of embarrassment and shame. I had always been completely comfortable around you - you always treated my body with grace and wonderment.

I miss that.

I remember how you froze when I bared your bottom. I remember pulling you close to my body and resuming the lesson I desperately needed you to learn.

Alternating between cheeks I continued to bring my hand down on you…slowly color rose to the surface - white fading into pink...eventually red.

You were relentless in your quest to get your point across. Smack after smack assaulted my bottom as you ignited a fire. I remember refusing to cry, to give in to you. You kept repeating that I had endangered the most important thing in your life. I could hear the fear in your voice…the anger too.

Then it happened – it hit me that I had endangered the most important thing in MY life.

You.

Shame overwhelmed me and I remember repeating how sorry I was…pleading for forgiveness.

I submitted.

It was over. I pulled you up and held you tight. I whispered those words you needed from me. You are forgiven. I love you. I need you.

You said those words soothed your soul. Your reached up and kissed my cheek.

Your kiss soothed my heart.

A “cow” towel hung over the sink the next day.

I feel you squeeze me tighter…resting your head on my shoulder.

You whisper hello in my ear.

I close my eyes and whisper my response.

Welcome home.

6 comments:

Lil Bit said...

Ok, where the hell was I when this was posted, lol??

How did I miss it.... dated May 10th??
Or did you purposefully post it further down on the page?

Some of the earlier stuff in this post is definitely familiar (well, sans the kids of course, lol)... but then it takes a turn that I don't have the fortune of having over on this end.

I get lil "play spanking" when it's whoopie time (just enough to f'ing tease me) -- but real discipline w/o abandon when I truly need it?
um... no, not in my wildest dreams.

Excellent post, girl.

dangergirl said...

Damn lb...you are fast. As a matter of fact I am currently working on moving posts and changing the date is working so far for me - lol. Time is relative anyway.

I am glad you liked the story - I'm still in the process of "storing" them all in one place and had some free time at work so figured "what the hell."

Lil Bit said...

LOL
'fast' as in quick to catch new stuff or 'fast' as in quick reader? lol

Careful how old you date some stuff, tho, cuz then it'll get lost and folks won't see it, to read it. I almost missed this one! (gawd, the horror if I had. lol)

dangergirl said...

Ohhhh, hadn't considered that - never occurred to me I would have a regular reader *lol*. Thanks (I've alreaday gone back and changed the dates).

sinfullyanon said...

I just arrived at this one the same way Lil Bit did! ~~(Wait a minute, I said to myself, this one wasn't listed before..or, what? I don't remember this one...

...What a great story. I love the interior monologue {"..baring my bottom..")

Wonderful, as always, DG.:)

~~Come read, "no title" >see my profile page. I'd love to hear what you think. [Jennifer's Mom's Story.]

dangergirl said...

Thanks - I am glad you enjoyed the story and dialogue.

I'm headed your way now to check out the story.

dg