Thought storage post

Disclaimer: 'kay, this post sums things up for me and offers a kind of "introduction" to my blog. I am working to make sure it stays in the top spot of my homepage but if it doesn't, sorry and you need to go look for it.



6.24.2008

Father's Day

Hey guys, this is a bit angsty. Just wanted to warn ya' in case you were having a good day (I'm like that, always looking out for folks). The muse decided "A family picture" needed a sequel...

Today is Father's Day. I am not sure what I am supposed to do...wasn't supposed to be here...again.

How did this happen ? There are a million reasons...and none.

My head understands...just wish my heart did.

He's here and everything looks normal. It isn't.

I hear the screaming in my head - how can he ignore it ? Maybe he hears it too...as a whisper.

I look around the room and see my family...at least it feels like my family.
Is it ? The more important question is...do I want it to be ?

I cherish this picture...just don't trust it.

It isn't mine now...how odd. It never occurred to me that I would lose it.
I didn't lose it...wasn't up to me.


I told him to leave...helped him pack.

It still wasn't up to me.

He said it was...the kids said it was...it looked like it was.

It wasn't....would've been easier.

He knew what was required to stay...and agreed.
For a minute or so it seemed.

I love him...always have and always will. I can't change.....him.
How odd.

I tried...desperately hung on. It started to crumble that day so long ago...and another day....and another day.

Finally, all that was left were the crumbs. Enough to survive but not live.

That's ultimately the choice - survive or live. Just took me a long time to tell the difference.

I know the difference now...and it still hurts.

What to do now...that is up to me.
Always has been.

Fuck him.

4 comments:

Southern Sage said...

atta girl
hope it works out for the best.

ur linked too btw.

dangergirl said...

Thanks s. sage - it is what it is. I'm thinking the muse moved thru the whole despair/depression stage and hit anger...just a thought.lol

dg

thanks for the link, btw.

Lil Bit said...

get it out, girl!

*hug*

dangergirl said...

thanks lb...so cool to open up my email after vacation to see a *hug*...way cool !!

dg