Thought storage post

Disclaimer: 'kay, this post sums things up for me and offers a kind of "introduction" to my blog. I am working to make sure it stays in the top spot of my homepage but if it doesn't, sorry and you need to go look for it.



6.09.2008

It's simply not fair


This is kinda, sorta a sequel to Some things remain the same. Warning - very angsty - really, it is.

So if you are feeling good and are concerned at all about this changing, you might want to wait until Monday morning or a family get-together before reading this...just a thought.



Why did this happen? “It’s not fair!!” keeps screaming in my head…over and over.

It’s simply not fair.

I can hear you saying “You’re right but that’s the way it is.” We both know “time to move on” is the follow up…no need to say it.

We’ve fought this battle together…you and I…for so long.

It’s simply not fair.

How can you be so calm? I’m not.

Peace resides in your heart…it always has.

I remember the first time I saw you and was drawn into your gorgeous blue eyes.

My heart was yours and I have never let go…or needed to until now.

That is too much to ask of me.

It’s simply not fair.

Your fierce spirit guided you through many jungles.
My love provided the path.

I remember discovering this jungle…
We both stumbled that day…and held each other up.

That’s what family does…at least ours.

You were so angry…and determined.
So was I…still am.

Looking me in the eye and refusing to accept there was nothing you couldn’t do, no activity you couldn’t participate in. You refused to give an inch.

So did I.

That whitewater rafting trip was the last time we battled over this. You promised to stay in the raft and forgo kayaking. I remember kissing you goodbye and sending a prayer for you to be safe.

I saw the struggle within you….that only you could resolve.
You had to.

That look in your eyes when you walked out the door told me the struggle wasn’t over. Somehow I knew that when I said good-bye…but didn’t admit it.

You needed a break…deserved some fun before facing the next hurdles. I did too.

You came barging through the back door, dropping your bags to the side as you made your way to the refrigerator and called my name. A quick hug was all I was getting – food was the priority. After the second sandwich, you finally found the table and began to fill me in on the details. Your eyes lit up with excitement as you described the beautiful river surrounded by the majestic forest.

“The water was perfect,” you managed to blurt out between bites. The quest for food was still in full gear!!

Seeing the delight in you eyes will remain in my heart forever. It wasn’t until later that a few other details came to light…Walking out of the bathroom, wrapped up in a towel exposed your secret. I saw the bruises…and knew the cause.

You turned around quickly at the sharp intake of my breath... I saw surprise wash over your face. You saw the same in mine.

Arching an eyebrow, the question was asked…and an explanation required. I heard the sigh as you reached for your pajamas. As my patience began to wane, I simply stated “I’m waiting.” Amazing the accelerating powers of that one statement!!

“Kayaking,” you simply stated evenly and calmly. You met my gaze.

“Excuse me, I must be having a problem with my hearing. I swore you said kayaking and know you certainly wouldn’t do something so dangerous and foolish.” My words didn’t exactly match my thoughts with that pronouncement. My anger did.

“I’m not letting this win.”

I saw it then…the defiant child housed in a woman’s body. The child refusing to bow and the woman refusing to make any more sacrifices…until next time. Neither could acknowledge what the sacrifice could have been…I did.

Three steps and I had your arm securely in mine. We both knew what would happen next. With practiced ease I continued to the chair and guided you over my lap. “Stop it! You have no right! I didn’t do anything wrong!” The indignation fueled your protests.

I remember feeling dumbfounded by the last statement…followed by fear. You didn’t see the danger…I was going to show you. “I definitely have the right,” flew out of my mouth as my hand began to smack the secured bottom before me. “Because I love you.”

It seemed like we were locked in a battle... You refused to let go…so did I. This was one battle I would win…needed to for us to survive.

Eventually your righteous indignation was replaced with contrition…acceptance remained absent…and was required to keep you safe from yourself.

Pulling your pajamas and panties down to your knees, I gazed at your pink globes. I knew we weren’t done yet…so did you.

“You,” SMACK, “will,” SMACK, “not,” SMACK,” risk,” SMACK, “your,” SMACK, “life,” SMACK, “again!” SMACK, “Understand, little one?” It happened…a sob escaped your lips. I knew we had completed the journey…almost.

A half dozen smacks later and you surrendered. The battle was over…we had both won. Pulling you into my arms, I rocked your tired body as the tears slowed to a trickle. I waited for your gaze to meet mine. “I will always pull you back from the edge of the cliff…always. “

“I know,” you whispered. Resting your head against my chest, I was humbled by this precious gift placed in my hands.

“I’m tired.”

Those words grab my attention and hurl me back into the present…here…with you.

Watching you close your eyes and drift off to sleep I hear the voice again.

The voice screaming…you’re not supposed to leave….

I don’t want to move on…I want you here…forever.

It’s simply not fair.

2 comments:

will69b said...

Your conclusions are so nicely done.
It's not the anger that's memorable..it's the love.

Cheers, dg.
~x~Will

dangergirl said...

Thanks so much Will for your kind words...nice way for me to start the day :)

dg