Thought storage post

Disclaimer: 'kay, this post sums things up for me and offers a kind of "introduction" to my blog. I am working to make sure it stays in the top spot of my homepage but if it doesn't, sorry and you need to go look for it.


A family picture (revised)

I revised this a bit - actually, I came upon a revision I made who knows when and I like it better.

Mother's Day came and went without my permission. Yes, I said permission. I wasn't ready for it to visit and I damn sure wasn't ready for it to leave. Things were planned and expectations appeared out of no where. Odd, expectations have a habit of not being met on these "special" days set aside for me by the male members of my household. Maybe I just need to quit buying into the hype.

I woke up late and immediately went to the "fuck, he's not coming" place. The aroma of a wonderfully and lovingly breakfast prepared by him was supposed to be my wake-up call. Instead, the clock read 9:30am and no activity. I called him and was informed he was in the driveway - breakfast was on the way. His voice had that "why would you even wonder if I was coming" quality, know what I mean? Yeah, I wondered since his intentions are honorable but follow through can be iffy at times. Blind trust was discarded a long time ago along with pedestals...casualty of fill-in-the-blank.

Breakfast was served and that comfortable silence that comes with familiarity hung in the air. You know what I mean? That feeling of calm, solace...and intimacy. God how I have missed that...the question is can I trust it to last? Is it real or just making an appearance today? Not up to me but I wish it was...if only I controlled the world!! I nestled into that warm place and decided to let it wash over me while the gift was there. I didn't know when it would be offered again.

I noticed that look …that twinkle mixed with lust. Not “tear your clothes off” lust but the kind that couples settle into after many years….the kind that develops after thousands of interruptions by children, countless nights of working late and falling into bed from exhaustion… we became quite adept at snatching those moments whenever they appeared….whenever.

I could picture lying over his lap, head resting on a pillow while he gently caressed my body. I feel his fingers lightly skimming my body, waking up buried needs…my body slowly awakening and yearning for more. With longevity comes familiarity and…boredom. He didn’t let that happen – refused to succumb to the inevitable insipidness…I did.

He knows where my secrets are and the key to unlock them. He also knows I am unable to give voice but my body will tell him what he needs to know. As I relax in his care, I become focused on his hand. The hand that is exploring…teasing. Finally, if happens…what I have denied for so long…and he somehow figured out.

The sound is louder than I expected…the impact softer. Then it happens, a glimmer of what awaits. As he brings his hand down time after time in a steady cadence, the warmth begins to spread over my body. How could this possibly what I desire…crave…and ultimately need? More importantly, how did he know?

I relax under his care and immerse in the sensations…pain mixed with pleasure mixed with pain mixed with pleasure. I feel him pull me closer and wrap his arm around me …refusing to let go. I hear someone moan…it is me. I can feel the pleasure he is getting also…a reminder that I am not alone in this desire….we share this moment and intimacy. As he continues to bring his hand down on my reddening cheeks, it happens. My body is engulfed by the force of this need…the intensity of this desire…the overwhelming satisfaction. As I lay basking in a sea of pleasure, I am overcome with love for this man who tends to all my needs with complete acceptance…at least he did.

The sound of our child stumbling into the living room interrupts my reverie. It quickly became apparent plans need to change. The youngster (okay, a teenager but still my, sorry, our baby) was sick...not “sick” sick but enough to look pitiful. As he crawled onto the couch next to me, attempting to tuck his six foot frame into a three foot space, I noticed him resting his head on my shoulder. He didn’t want any more touching or talking or even acknowledgement of this contact - just needed his Mom.

It was automatic - child trumps everything. Frustration lingered a bit longer...I know I shouldn't resent the sick child but I did...if only I was in charge of everything!! Few words were spoken as we settled into the comfort of family. Nothing big or spectacular happened...just a family watching a movie. Funny, this gift filled my heart and any expectations were blown away. I am sure there is a more eloquent way to describe that besides “blown away” but that is the first thought I had as a lone tear fell from my eye and I casually placed a kiss on the top of his head. Yeah, blown away.

I didn't want the day to end - I wanted to hang onto the picture of an intact family...the picture of safety, security and consistency. This picture of my family that I carry around in my head and heart. The picture I had until a few months ago...As I kissed my husband good-bye and watched him walk out the door I realized we had both let go of that picture. It is a nice place to visit. We just can't live there anymore.

The new picture is unfamiliar and unsettling...and easier.