Good-bye

Looking over, I watch you sleeping in the chair. You rest just two feet away, might as well be a thousand. How did we end up here? How did this happen?

As I glance at your dangling hand, I can’t help but smile.

I remember the day I told you my big secret all those years ago. We had been married for 20 years, had two children, weathered both good and bad times. We were solid and I knew we would grow old together. I’ve always known that.

“Honey, come out here and look at something,” I said as I turned to make my way out onto the deck. My stomach was tied in knots, palms sweating and my heart was beating out of my chest. I prayed I didn’t pass out right there!!

My secret, my shameful secret –that’s what I was about to reveal to you.

I remember the look on your face – confusion mixed with a tad of apprehension as you followed me. The night was warm and a candle was flickering on the table. The lights were off … needed to make sure I could hide my blushing cheeks….conceal the shame reflected in my eyes.

I still needed to hide in the shadows as I shown a light on my secret. As you sat down, I knew it was now or never.

I struggled to find the words but they remained allusive. I needed another approach. Opening the laptop I quickly went to the website. You know the one I mean, the one that brings TTWD into the open. It doesn’t matter which website you visit. They all bring the same thing…hope. They let us know we are not freaks, are not alone.

I quickly turned the screen to you. As you read the screen, I paced around the deck. Anything to distract me from the fear residing in my heart.

Afraid you would think I was a freak…or sick.

Or worse …

Afraid you would reject me.

The screen softly illuminated your face and then I saw …it dawned on you, my secret. I held my breath waiting for your response. You looked up, reached for my hand and smiled. I quickly looked away, feeling exposed. As you stood up, I tried to break free of your grip. Suddenly, I was pulled into your chest, strong arms wrapped tightly around me. I heard you whisper over and over that it was okay, everything was okay. Finally, the fear mixed with relief bubbled to the surface and tears rolled down my cheeks. You continued to comfort my soul with your words as you wiped my tears away.

We talked later that night, on the back porch, in the dark. I wasn’t ready for more illumination!! I saw you smile as you commented,” I just wish you had told me 20 years ago!” I noticed the twinkle in your eye, knew we would explore TTWD. I also knew you would never let me hide in the shadows again.

Initially you were hesitant to “hit a woman”, afraid you would hurt me. “Well duh, that was the point!” That comment earned me a sharp swat.

I assured you this is what I wanted, what I needed. I trusted you.

As your fears were somewhat allayed, you began to hesitantly bring your hand down on my virginal bottom. It wasn’t long or hard, that first time…just enough. It was a pivotal moment in my life and our relationship. I don’t know if I ever thanked you for giving me such a precious gift that night and many more nights to come.

A noise brings me out of my reverie. You shift position pulling the blanket tighter under your chin. I start to reach out but pull away before making contact. We’ve been doing that for awhile now – reaching out and pulling away, especially since the kids left for college. I notice your right hand is now resting on top of the blanket. I know every callus, every scar and how warm it feels resting against mine.

I turn away with a rueful chuckle, reminded of the only punishment spanking I ever got from you. That night will forever be etched in my brain. You had certainly conquered your fear of hurting me, that’s for sure!!

I had gone out with some friends, something I did once a week. I kissed you good bye and told you I’d be home by 1am. I heard you tell me to be careful and you loved me as the door closed. Marge drove me home that night. As I reached for the door, it swung open. I remember being fiercely pulled into an embrace as you whispered, “Thank God you’re okay.” I was confused until I glanced over at the clock.

3am.

I woke up the next morning tucked under the covers of our bed, the aroma of coffee beckoning me to the kitchen. I saw you sitting at the table, arms folded, a solemn expression on your face. I tentatively sat down at the table with my coffee and met your gaze.

“I’m so sorry honey. We lost track of time, I didn’t mean to worry you.” I know you saw the regret in my eyes. I saw the anger briefly flashed in your eyes. It was replaced with a cold, steely gaze.

“I accept your apology and know it wasn’t intentional. That doesn’t change the facts. I didn’t know where you were or if you were okay for 2 hours! You didn’t call or answer your cell. I was in hell until I saw your beautiful face coming up the steps.” I recall your voice cracking, tears glistening in your eyes.

You had been hurt deeply.

By me.

“Sorry isn’t good enough. Your actions were egregious last night. They certainly warrant consequences, don’t you agree?” I had no idea what you meant as I nodded my head. I found out soon enough.

With a look of determination you grabbed my wrist and led me to the living room. You sat down on the sofa pulling me over your lap. I remember feeling embarrassed as you raised my nightgown and lowered my panties. Seemed odd, you had seen me naked hundreds of times and being over your lap was nothing new.

This was different.

You quickly brought your hand down on my left cheek. The sharp stab of pain surprised me. I let out a yelp. It wasn’t the only one that day. Soon it was accompanied by “oww,” “please stop” and “I’m sorry” as you continued to bring your hand down again and again.

You didn’t say anything, didn’t need to. I remember kicking my legs wildly as rivers of snot mixed with tears rolled down my face. My pleas mixed with the sound of flesh meeting flesh echoed off the walls for several minutes.

Smack after smack rained down on my defenseless bottom. Unable to escape the inferno, I surrendered. I could only lie there, accepting the chastisement. Occasional yelps left my lips as you continued to make you point.

Then you stopped.

I continued to lie helplessly over your lap, my swollen cheeks quivering while tears streamed down my face. You gently rubbed my back and punished bottom, letting me know I was not alone in my pain.

You were there.

Eventually you helped me up and deftly balanced me on your lap, taking steps to minimize additional discomfort. You softly told me I was forgiven, you loved me. I remember how I basked in your love as it soothed my heart.

I can laugh now thinking about the journey I made to the bathroom to inspect my posterior. Wow, it was swollen, painted a dark maroon and HOT. I hadn’t expected such heat to radiate from such a tender area!! Sitting comfortably remained a challenge for several days.

I remember lying in bed on my stomach later that day. I felt you sit down next to me quickly followed by something cold on my ass. I swear I almost levitated!! You told me to stay put while tenderly applying aloe to my swollen cheeks. The cool substance soothed my body just as your words had soothed my heart. I have always called anytime I was going to be late since that night. No exceptions.

Tears escape my eyes. Deep sadness engulfs my entire being. Somewhere along the way we lost each other. No one or everyone is at fault.

Either way the result is the same.

Your breathing changes and eyes remain closed. You’re awake.

I reach across the chasm, gently touching your shoulder. I softly call your name.

There is no response.