Breakin' up is hard to do

You expect me to be there for you. I can't be your safety net anymore. I can't be your first call. I can only do chit chat with you. Actually, I need to break things off for awhile so I can get my bearings.

You knock me for a loop every time you contact me. I just can't live like that. Hell, right now I am hoping you will contact me after your shrink appointment and how fucked up is that. It only drags out the pain and I want it over. I want to work through this and emerge on the other side. I have no idea what the future will bring...all I can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep taking steps.

You hurt me. I trusted you and now that is gone. I was an idiot for jumping in like I did but quite frankly I couldn't stop it...neither could you.

God this hurts. It feels like my breath is being sucked from the room. The vacuum left by your betrayal feels like it is too much to overcome. Truth was a given for us or so I thought.

I just gotta feel bad for awhile and you have to be out of the picture for me to heal. I can't be your friend right now. It isn't healthy for me and that is my primary concern right now. You have people to help you - I can't be one of them...You can't be one of mine either.

I lost so much in 24 hours. I'm not sure how it happened - my head is still spinning. It is a little clearer now about what I need to do. My friend Craig said you have "issues" - damn he is spot on.

Your comments:

1. You love me (as Tina Turner says, what's love got to do with it ?)
2. You want a future with me (ditto - aint that a bitch)
3. Timing is the problem, if only, yada yada (whatever - I have no response to this)
4. You think about me when you're with her (again, what am I supposed to say ? The operative phrase is "with her")
5. You list all the great things about us (see # 2)
6. I make you happy (see # 2)
7. Mg will never work out - you need closure on it (see # 3)
8. It needs to run its course (fuck that, grow up)
9. You will earn the batphone back (not up to you - that's up to me)
10. You are running a risk that I will fall in love, etc (Please, that is more wallowing and manipulating on your part.)
11. You want her to leave, you want me but she has a hook. (whatever, be a grown up)
12. You know I won't be alone, I'll be dating - this you say in a forlorn voice with puppy dog eyes (wtf ? again, trying to manipulate me into saying I'll wait, don't worry, whatever. )

You never let me finish - you keep saying what you need to say and demanding time to calm down (Friday you "just couldn't hear me"). We never come back to this so everything is unfinished for me. Talk about lack of closure. That is just selfish.

I do love you - that's why this hurts so much. Coulda, woulda, shoulda is pointless. Weird, there is still that voice that is asking me to wait, slow down, don't cut things off right now cuz the results could be catastrophic. That voice has merit but can't determine my actions. I won't be prisoner to "what might be" - hard to maintain self respect. We both know you would lose respect for me as well.

I realized that it doesn't matter how I deconstruct this or talk it to death...the result is the same. I want to say I'll wait, call me when you figure this shit out, we can be friends, etc. Some of that may be true but it can't happen until I get my bearings.You do move me and that hasn't changed. ...it just isn't an emotionally safe thing for me right now.

On some level I want you to hurt like I do, I want you to feel the loss, I want you to ache for "us." Problem is those voices are not as loud as the others. Fuck, that sucks on quite a few levels.

I wish I could say "I hope you find true happiness" or "I am sorry you are hurting." Truth is I believe those things in my heart - I just feel like I am betraying myself a little if I say that while hurting this much. How odd is that ?!!

Weird, I am texting the batphone which is oddly helpful. I still can say "good morning" and that is some comfort.

The articles I read (you know I love to do research) all say it gets easier, distractions are important, write and don't have contact for awhile to heal. I know time heals all wounds - I also know my "worst hour" can only be 60 minutes long. That I can hang onto.

I have absolutely no regrets about us - it was incredibly good in so many areas. I would do it all over again to have such an amazing experience. I still feel blessed. I also feel pissed at God.

I keep looking at my contacts and seeing if you are on chat. That is sooo fucked up...and normal. Shit, you're back on chat. I feel me heart beat and can't breathe for a minute. I want to IM you, to ask how you are, how did the appointment go. I can't do that. Maybe I should make myself "visible" to see if you will respond. Yeah, even I know that is a secret love test.Funny thing is you would probably pass it.LOL

I de-friended you on facebook today (only 2 days after you confirmed me as a friend). I went to your site and saw the responses from mg. I can't put myself in that position. I can't read anything from her...can't see her interactions with you. She has what I crave.

I miss you. I hate her. God is a total asshole. I'm gonna strut my slut tonight and download some old school country. The song "Breakin' up is hard to do" is playing in my head.Fuck, I don't even like Neil Sedaka

This is supposed to be a letter that I won't send so I can be completely honest. I'm not sure if that is what I'll do or not. I do know I won't send it today. I want to though...

A family picture (revised)

I revised this a bit - actually, I came upon a revision I made who knows when and I like it better.

Mother's Day came and went without my permission. Yes, I said permission. I wasn't ready for it to visit and I damn sure wasn't ready for it to leave. Things were planned and expectations appeared out of no where. Odd, expectations have a habit of not being met on these "special" days set aside for me by the male members of my household. Maybe I just need to quit buying into the hype.

I woke up late and immediately went to the "fuck, he's not coming" place. The aroma of a wonderfully and lovingly breakfast prepared by him was supposed to be my wake-up call. Instead, the clock read 9:30am and no activity. I called him and was informed he was in the driveway - breakfast was on the way. His voice had that "why would you even wonder if I was coming" quality, know what I mean? Yeah, I wondered since his intentions are honorable but follow through can be iffy at times. Blind trust was discarded a long time ago along with pedestals...casualty of fill-in-the-blank.

Breakfast was served and that comfortable silence that comes with familiarity hung in the air. You know what I mean? That feeling of calm, solace...and intimacy. God how I have missed that...the question is can I trust it to last? Is it real or just making an appearance today? Not up to me but I wish it was...if only I controlled the world!! I nestled into that warm place and decided to let it wash over me while the gift was there. I didn't know when it would be offered again.

I noticed that look …that twinkle mixed with lust. Not “tear your clothes off” lust but the kind that couples settle into after many years….the kind that develops after thousands of interruptions by children, countless nights of working late and falling into bed from exhaustion… we became quite adept at snatching those moments whenever they appeared….whenever.

I could picture lying over his lap, head resting on a pillow while he gently caressed my body. I feel his fingers lightly skimming my body, waking up buried needs…my body slowly awakening and yearning for more. With longevity comes familiarity and…boredom. He didn’t let that happen – refused to succumb to the inevitable insipidness…I did.

He knows where my secrets are and the key to unlock them. He also knows I am unable to give voice but my body will tell him what he needs to know. As I relax in his care, I become focused on his hand. The hand that is exploring…teasing. Finally, if happens…what I have denied for so long…and he somehow figured out.

The sound is louder than I expected…the impact softer. Then it happens, a glimmer of what awaits. As he brings his hand down time after time in a steady cadence, the warmth begins to spread over my body. How could this possibly what I desire…crave…and ultimately need? More importantly, how did he know?

I relax under his care and immerse in the sensations…pain mixed with pleasure mixed with pain mixed with pleasure. I feel him pull me closer and wrap his arm around me …refusing to let go. I hear someone moan…it is me. I can feel the pleasure he is getting also…a reminder that I am not alone in this desire….we share this moment and intimacy. As he continues to bring his hand down on my reddening cheeks, it happens. My body is engulfed by the force of this need…the intensity of this desire…the overwhelming satisfaction. As I lay basking in a sea of pleasure, I am overcome with love for this man who tends to all my needs with complete acceptance…at least he did.

The sound of our child stumbling into the living room interrupts my reverie. It quickly became apparent plans need to change. The youngster (okay, a teenager but still my, sorry, our baby) was sick...not “sick” sick but enough to look pitiful. As he crawled onto the couch next to me, attempting to tuck his six foot frame into a three foot space, I noticed him resting his head on my shoulder. He didn’t want any more touching or talking or even acknowledgement of this contact - just needed his Mom.

It was automatic - child trumps everything. Frustration lingered a bit longer...I know I shouldn't resent the sick child but I did...if only I was in charge of everything!! Few words were spoken as we settled into the comfort of family. Nothing big or spectacular happened...just a family watching a movie. Funny, this gift filled my heart and any expectations were blown away. I am sure there is a more eloquent way to describe that besides “blown away” but that is the first thought I had as a lone tear fell from my eye and I casually placed a kiss on the top of his head. Yeah, blown away.

I didn't want the day to end - I wanted to hang onto the picture of an intact family...the picture of safety, security and consistency. This picture of my family that I carry around in my head and heart. The picture I had until a few months ago...As I kissed my husband good-bye and watched him walk out the door I realized we had both let go of that picture. It is a nice place to visit. We just can't live there anymore.

The new picture is unfamiliar and unsettling...and easier.

A personal message brought to you by Dangergirl

Hey there,

I posted a piece a few days back called "Someone explain." It was about sexual assault/rape and the aftermath. I removed it as it just didn't feel "right" posted here. I don't want to contaminate my slice of cyberdom with his abhorrent behavior.

I thought about it and really want to tell my story so maybe someone else will know they are not alone. That is the predominant feeling - aloneness and shame.

After much deliberation (a nights sleep-same thing) I decided to start a different blog. Here it is: Never a valid reason.

Decide if you want to visit and do so. Please spread the word a bit - if just one person knows they aren't alone or freakin' crazy then we will have changed the world for the better.

How totally COOL is that ?!!

Thank you,
dg

Update 11/20/08: I want to send a big shout out to Southern Sage for posting about this blog. The out pouring of support has been phenomenal. SS is a true Southern Gentleman.

A first for me....

This is a political post so move on if that would be a problem. Actually when I viewed the video I was moved by the power of the images combined with the music. As someone that has children attending a public school in the South I have noticed this part of our history tends to be glossed over or simply lost.

All those hours my children spent studying _______ history (trust me - I live in a "real "Southern state) seemed to include a complete list of the Confederate generals, the location of their houses and a blow-by-blow of every "atrocity" committed by the "those" Yankees during the War of Northern Aggression (they didn't actually call it that but the flavor remains) .

Somehow the Alabama church bombing of 1963 was overlooked in the junior high school curriculum.

So far it hasn't appeared in the high school curriculum either.

The last screen of this video is the main reason I am posting it.

Hardware collection

I received this award from Lil' bit. For those of you who don't know who she is let me offer some information on the downlow. First, I am her spawn. Yep, she is responsible...Mmm, since she has the power to create life in cyberland that makes her ...OMG!! Yep, that's the answer...

Second, she has an awesome blog and her irreverance inspiring. I strongly suggest checking her out. If not then you are missing out on a wonderful treat (in other words, fuck you).

BTW, here's my acceptance speech (sorry, no video - cheap camcorder!!):

*blushing while walking to the podium* "Oh Academy of Lil' bit, I don't know who to thank. First of all I want to thank my family and readers. I owe it all to Lb and of course, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." *grabbing the award..only need one hand, btw and walking off stage*

"Thanks again to Lb - I am priviledged to be one of her *oops, I meant 'your'* spawn. "

"Fuck, I tried to use HTML tags but was not successful - please try to picture the italics and bold in your minds eye." *you will notice this last sentence no longer applies*

Jeez, it's everywhere

This showed up on CNN's website...


When to reveal your secret to a date

...Besides, waiting to reveal a potential deal breaker such as herpes or $300,000 in credit-card debt is just good dating decorum, says syndicated sex columnist Dan Savage, author of "The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family."

"You don't want someone to reveal too much at first because that itself is a deal breaker," he says. "If somebody sits down on the first date and says, 'I'm into spanking,' even if you are into spanking, [too], you might react negatively to that."

I laughed a bit - internally, of course!! Please, I 'm at work ;)

When do you bring it up ?

Out & About

07/22/08 Hey there cyberland folks ! I have been thinking about this post for a few days, mulling it over, etc. Anyway, I decided to add a few things or "tweak" it if you will.

Fine, I added stuff so I could post it on another board - happy now ?!
That's it - just added some stuff and I kinda like it ;)

This is loosely based on a real life event...names have been changed to protect the innocent, yada yada (see Dragnet this time for the full disclaimer). Anyway, hope you enjoy it - if not, well, bummer for you.

Also, a big shout out to Lil' Bit for the title!!!

Well, I outed myself today at work (in more ways than one). It really wasn’t my fault…well, maybe but certainly wasn’t on purpose. Here, see what you think…

A little background - I work in a small office with 3 other women. As the nurse (and only medical person), I pretty much play things cool and am considered very level headed. My boss was surprised a few months ago when I picked out this modern geometrical painting. I mentioned it would look great in my bedroom since I painted it red. She stopped, turned around and simply stared at me a moment. She then said she would have never expected me to have a red bedroom. Yeah, I hide it well. You get the idea...

Soooo, I was reading my email at work and my boss walked in - didn't think anything about it. I minimized whatever I was reading (I am sure it was work related – ya’ know I can see you shaking your head, right?)

Swiveling my chair around, I turned my attention to her. She asked me about drawing some labs, if I could do it there, etc. After assuring her that I could perform the required tasks and she didn’t have to make the trek to the dark, dingy lab she nodded her head and exited my immediate work area. I then turned around and realized that my email was covering the screen of my computer. Apparently when I minimized the “work-related” screen this was waiting in the wings. Wish I had noticed it before I turned my back on the screen.

The subject of my email was "Is this a woman who is about to get her next spanking?" I'm sure you have noticed that Google uses a large font plus bolds the subject lines of emails...guess they want to make sure the reader can see it from across the room (they can). Please note that I don't actually say the *s* word out loud often- causes my face to turn lobster red and radiate enough heat to rival the sun.

Just another little wrinkle in the ditty...

Yep, that was the subject...guess that explains why she was looking at my screen for a full minute. She never said a word. I, on the other hand, began focusing on the resumption of respirations (mine) and wondering how in the hell I was going to fix this mess.

After all, how do I explain the incredible turn-on spanking is for me? How do I articulate what happens to my body as I am draped over someone’s lap, their hand resting gently on the small of my back while softly rubbing their fingertips over my ass ?

What exactly is the appropriate sentence structure when describing the tingling feeling that creeps over my body while waiting for that most delicious of sensations and the immediate intake of breath when the hand is removed and …there it is. What adjective does one choose when describing the silence followed by the deafening crash as flesh meets flesh that first time or the overwhelming relief when it happens again?

Mmmm, just what words should I use?

I can only imagine how tongue-tied I would be when describing the almost hypnotic state caused by the multitude of sensations as a regular cadence is established. ..the sound of each stroke coupled with the warmth slowly creeping throughout my body… the heat building as my body reaches out to accept the proffered gift…groans escaping while becoming lost in the world of pain/pleasure and ….

Wonder how to tactfully explain that I get wet as sweat pours from both our bodies…the need continuing to build until….Yeah, wonder how I explain that.

Anyway, back to the problem at hand (go ahead and take a break if you need to – I’ll be back after a glass of cold, COLD water).

So, we’re waiting for everybody else (all 2 of them) to get in the car and I mentioned that I didn't want to piss off one of my co-workers since I already had one person pissed off at me. It was a beautiful segue into the whole "yeah, I'm helping with a presentation, missed a deadline - well, not quite but he thought so, etc. so he threatened to spank me thing." I told her I didn't want her to think I was kinky.

"I already did." Funny, funny woman (I know she smiled at the color that flooded my face and neck…hell, my entire body).

I'm thinking things are cool and we had a little chuckle. Yeah, yeah so I lied - she'd probably be surprised by that too!!

Wait, it does get better (I know that is hard to believe but trust me).

So, I'm now off to lunch with my boss and the two other women that make up our employee roster. I’m the youngest there and we are like a family which is a nice way of saying no one is shy about asking pointed questions...I usually manage to stay out of the firing line.

Lunch was good, lots of laughs. We were talking in the car and there was a discussion of short hair = dyke haircut (long story). The conversation continued and somehow it came up that not all lesbians have short hair. I quipped, "Yeah, look at lipstick lesbians."

Bantering continued and someone inquired as to my knowledge about the hair length/lesbian connection. Without even thinking I shot back that I have shoulder length hair to keep my options open. Chuckles, laughing and we went on to the next exciting “chick” topic.

A co-worker grabbed the local community paper and began commenting on current events. We began reading aloud various events and pondering what they “really” meant…come on, the local grass roots organization called “Aphrodite’s revenge” probably isn’t a local anti-war group anymore than the “pole dancing” class is for exercise only.

So, Linda and I continued our perusing of upcoming events (a nice after-lunch bonding exercise). We came to the “local groups” section and she mentions that F##### (local gay/lesbian organization) has a great ad for the upcoming Social (hey, it is kinda sorta a proper noun!). Without missing a beat, I asked if the lesbian potluck was listed (we were still on the whole “dyke” haircut). Yvonne (my boss) quickly shot back, "Why, you don't cook?"

Yeah, it was an interesting day and all is cool. I'm thinking my co-workers are seeing a different side of me and aren't sure if I am serious or not. The wit, grin and twinkle in my eye definitely keep them guessing.

Hey, at least the whole lesbian/bisexual thing was a nice distraction from the spanking thing, don't ya' think? Also, one of my co-workers knows a lesbian that is single and she jokingly mentioned setting me up - that was before the "keep my options open" comment.

Wonder what will happen now...



I'm not sure what category this one falls into - vanilla or *s*. Fuck it, maybe it needs its own category !

07/19/08 Addendum - my co-worker is going to set up a girl's nite with her lesbian friend after all. It will be a group thing (apparently she knows all the local girls - she's straight as an arrow - go figure).

Shit, I haven't been on a date in a few decades...