Hardware collection

I received this award from Lil' bit. For those of you who don't know who she is let me offer some information on the downlow. First, I am her spawn. Yep, she is responsible...Mmm, since she has the power to create life in cyberland that makes her ...OMG!! Yep, that's the answer...

Second, she has an awesome blog and her irreverance inspiring. I strongly suggest checking her out. If not then you are missing out on a wonderful treat (in other words, fuck you).

BTW, here's my acceptance speech (sorry, no video - cheap camcorder!!):

*blushing while walking to the podium* "Oh Academy of Lil' bit, I don't know who to thank. First of all I want to thank my family and readers. I owe it all to Lb and of course, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." *grabbing the award..only need one hand, btw and walking off stage*

"Thanks again to Lb - I am priviledged to be one of her *oops, I meant 'your'* spawn. "

"Fuck, I tried to use HTML tags but was not successful - please try to picture the italics and bold in your minds eye." *you will notice this last sentence no longer applies*

Jeez, it's everywhere

This showed up on CNN's website...


When to reveal your secret to a date

...Besides, waiting to reveal a potential deal breaker such as herpes or $300,000 in credit-card debt is just good dating decorum, says syndicated sex columnist Dan Savage, author of "The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family."

"You don't want someone to reveal too much at first because that itself is a deal breaker," he says. "If somebody sits down on the first date and says, 'I'm into spanking,' even if you are into spanking, [too], you might react negatively to that."

I laughed a bit - internally, of course!! Please, I 'm at work ;)

When do you bring it up ?

Out & About

07/22/08 Hey there cyberland folks ! I have been thinking about this post for a few days, mulling it over, etc. Anyway, I decided to add a few things or "tweak" it if you will.

Fine, I added stuff so I could post it on another board - happy now ?!
That's it - just added some stuff and I kinda like it ;)

This is loosely based on a real life event...names have been changed to protect the innocent, yada yada (see Dragnet this time for the full disclaimer). Anyway, hope you enjoy it - if not, well, bummer for you.

Also, a big shout out to Lil' Bit for the title!!!

Well, I outed myself today at work (in more ways than one). It really wasn’t my fault…well, maybe but certainly wasn’t on purpose. Here, see what you think…

A little background - I work in a small office with 3 other women. As the nurse (and only medical person), I pretty much play things cool and am considered very level headed. My boss was surprised a few months ago when I picked out this modern geometrical painting. I mentioned it would look great in my bedroom since I painted it red. She stopped, turned around and simply stared at me a moment. She then said she would have never expected me to have a red bedroom. Yeah, I hide it well. You get the idea...

Soooo, I was reading my email at work and my boss walked in - didn't think anything about it. I minimized whatever I was reading (I am sure it was work related – ya’ know I can see you shaking your head, right?)

Swiveling my chair around, I turned my attention to her. She asked me about drawing some labs, if I could do it there, etc. After assuring her that I could perform the required tasks and she didn’t have to make the trek to the dark, dingy lab she nodded her head and exited my immediate work area. I then turned around and realized that my email was covering the screen of my computer. Apparently when I minimized the “work-related” screen this was waiting in the wings. Wish I had noticed it before I turned my back on the screen.

The subject of my email was "Is this a woman who is about to get her next spanking?" I'm sure you have noticed that Google uses a large font plus bolds the subject lines of emails...guess they want to make sure the reader can see it from across the room (they can). Please note that I don't actually say the *s* word out loud often- causes my face to turn lobster red and radiate enough heat to rival the sun.

Just another little wrinkle in the ditty...

Yep, that was the subject...guess that explains why she was looking at my screen for a full minute. She never said a word. I, on the other hand, began focusing on the resumption of respirations (mine) and wondering how in the hell I was going to fix this mess.

After all, how do I explain the incredible turn-on spanking is for me? How do I articulate what happens to my body as I am draped over someone’s lap, their hand resting gently on the small of my back while softly rubbing their fingertips over my ass ?

What exactly is the appropriate sentence structure when describing the tingling feeling that creeps over my body while waiting for that most delicious of sensations and the immediate intake of breath when the hand is removed and …there it is. What adjective does one choose when describing the silence followed by the deafening crash as flesh meets flesh that first time or the overwhelming relief when it happens again?

Mmmm, just what words should I use?

I can only imagine how tongue-tied I would be when describing the almost hypnotic state caused by the multitude of sensations as a regular cadence is established. ..the sound of each stroke coupled with the warmth slowly creeping throughout my body… the heat building as my body reaches out to accept the proffered gift…groans escaping while becoming lost in the world of pain/pleasure and ….

Wonder how to tactfully explain that I get wet as sweat pours from both our bodies…the need continuing to build until….Yeah, wonder how I explain that.

Anyway, back to the problem at hand (go ahead and take a break if you need to – I’ll be back after a glass of cold, COLD water).

So, we’re waiting for everybody else (all 2 of them) to get in the car and I mentioned that I didn't want to piss off one of my co-workers since I already had one person pissed off at me. It was a beautiful segue into the whole "yeah, I'm helping with a presentation, missed a deadline - well, not quite but he thought so, etc. so he threatened to spank me thing." I told her I didn't want her to think I was kinky.

"I already did." Funny, funny woman (I know she smiled at the color that flooded my face and neck…hell, my entire body).

I'm thinking things are cool and we had a little chuckle. Yeah, yeah so I lied - she'd probably be surprised by that too!!

Wait, it does get better (I know that is hard to believe but trust me).

So, I'm now off to lunch with my boss and the two other women that make up our employee roster. I’m the youngest there and we are like a family which is a nice way of saying no one is shy about asking pointed questions...I usually manage to stay out of the firing line.

Lunch was good, lots of laughs. We were talking in the car and there was a discussion of short hair = dyke haircut (long story). The conversation continued and somehow it came up that not all lesbians have short hair. I quipped, "Yeah, look at lipstick lesbians."

Bantering continued and someone inquired as to my knowledge about the hair length/lesbian connection. Without even thinking I shot back that I have shoulder length hair to keep my options open. Chuckles, laughing and we went on to the next exciting “chick” topic.

A co-worker grabbed the local community paper and began commenting on current events. We began reading aloud various events and pondering what they “really” meant…come on, the local grass roots organization called “Aphrodite’s revenge” probably isn’t a local anti-war group anymore than the “pole dancing” class is for exercise only.

So, Linda and I continued our perusing of upcoming events (a nice after-lunch bonding exercise). We came to the “local groups” section and she mentions that F##### (local gay/lesbian organization) has a great ad for the upcoming Social (hey, it is kinda sorta a proper noun!). Without missing a beat, I asked if the lesbian potluck was listed (we were still on the whole “dyke” haircut). Yvonne (my boss) quickly shot back, "Why, you don't cook?"

Yeah, it was an interesting day and all is cool. I'm thinking my co-workers are seeing a different side of me and aren't sure if I am serious or not. The wit, grin and twinkle in my eye definitely keep them guessing.

Hey, at least the whole lesbian/bisexual thing was a nice distraction from the spanking thing, don't ya' think? Also, one of my co-workers knows a lesbian that is single and she jokingly mentioned setting me up - that was before the "keep my options open" comment.

Wonder what will happen now...



I'm not sure what category this one falls into - vanilla or *s*. Fuck it, maybe it needs its own category !

07/19/08 Addendum - my co-worker is going to set up a girl's nite with her lesbian friend after all. It will be a group thing (apparently she knows all the local girls - she's straight as an arrow - go figure).

Shit, I haven't been on a date in a few decades...

A silver-lining moment

not a story, just a whine...

'k folks, this weekend pretty much sucked out loud. A lot of events happened (none of which were planned, btw) that impacted my little slice of heaven. If only other people would do things my way...oh well, their loss.

After reviewing things I have come up with the silver-fucking-lining moment (I try hard to find some semblance of positive energy in things - just takes awhile sometimes). So, drum roll....

The water has stopped pouring into the bathroom and the ceiling is only cracked - hasn't actually fallen down.

See, what did I tell ya' ?

Father's Day

Hey guys, this is a bit angsty. Just wanted to warn ya' in case you were having a good day (I'm like that, always looking out for folks). The muse decided "A family picture" needed a sequel...

Today is Father's Day. I am not sure what I am supposed to do...wasn't supposed to be here...again.

How did this happen ? There are a million reasons...and none.

My head understands...just wish my heart did.

He's here and everything looks normal. It isn't.

I hear the screaming in my head - how can he ignore it ? Maybe he hears it too...as a whisper.

I look around the room and see my family...at least it feels like my family.
Is it ? The more important question is...do I want it to be ?

I cherish this picture...just don't trust it.

It isn't mine now...how odd. It never occurred to me that I would lose it.
I didn't lose it...wasn't up to me.

I told him to leave...helped him pack.

It still wasn't up to me.

He said it was...the kids said it was...it looked like it was.

It wasn't....would've been easier.

He knew what was required to stay...and agreed.
For a minute or so it seemed.

I love him...always have and always will. I can't change.....him.
How odd.

I tried...desperately hung on. It started to crumble that day so long ago...and another day....and another day.

Finally, all that was left were the crumbs. Enough to survive but not live.

That's ultimately the choice - survive or live. Just took me a long time to tell the difference.

I know the difference now...and it still hurts.

What to do now...that is up to me.
Always has been.

Fuck him.

Slut, tease or normal girl ?

This is an interesting question and one that more people should be asking themselves. I'm not going to wonder about guys since: 1. I am not a guy and 2. They really don't care as long as the offer of future sex is on the table (come on, you know it's true...fine, pretend to be all "offended" then).

Thinking back to the origins of this question, I would have to say it started with my last break-up. It wasn't pretty, wasn't ugly - just was. Before you even go there, NO I wasn't a slut and neither was he. We maintained a monogamous relationship (at least he said so) for several years and I have no reason to doubt that. Besides, we both suck at lying and no one ever brought any little critters home.

Where this comes into play is after the break-up. Now, do you stop seeing each other completely or is an occasional booty call okay? Stop shaking your head and think about it for a minute. Here are 2 people that have been together for a long time. We are comfortable and can walk around naked without thinking about it. Come on, the level of intimacy required to have a conversation with someone while performing a bikini wax is pretty impressive and let's not talk about all the times I was brushing my teeth or popping into the bathroom for something while he was contentedly sitting on the throne. Anyway, you get the idea...

So, back to the question. What about just having a booty call without sex? Think about it for a minute and let me explain. We could meet at his place or mine, either works as long as we are the only ones home. He could still get that look in his eye - the one that causes a little flutter of butterflies and a little tingle in other areas. He can still take my hand and gently but firmly lead me to the chair. He can sit down, pull me in front of him and speak that one word.

"So...."

His voice will be a little harder but his eyes will still be gentle as I risk a glance. He'll wait patiently as I stand before him, eyes downcast as a pink tide slowly washes over my cheeks. Eventually my body will start moving a little, shifting weight from one leg to the other. It won't be obvious but he will notice the subtle movement as he studies me. I'll feel his hand under my chin as he raises my eyes to meet his.

"So...." he'll repeat, this time a dash of impatience may be present in his voice, maybe not.

I'll take a deep breathe and begin my part in this play. "I want to be spanked."

"Have you done something to deserve a spanking?" His voice will be calm and controlled as his eyes remain fixed on mine. I'll try to look down but he won't let me. "Answer me little girl."

I'll confess whatever misdeed I have done. It may simply be swearing or missing a medication dose. It may be letting dishes pile up in the sink or not paying the bills on time. It may be staying up too late or working too hard. It may be that I just need a spanking. Regardless, I'll confess.

"Lower your pants, please," is the next line in this play. My hands may shake a little as I unsnap my pants. I'll place my hands on his shoulders as I lower them to my ankles with trembling hands...eyes gazing at the floor.

I'll feel myself gently moved to his side, his firm thighs underneath as I am pulled over his lap. His arm will firmly drape around my body, securing me next to him. I'll notice his hand resting on my bottom while he softly scolds me. The absence of his hand will alert my body...nerve endings will come alive. A sense of welcome and dread will fill my heart for a moment. It is hard for me to accept this desire...craving....need. Nonetheless, I will.

I'll jerk a little at the shock of his hand smacking my bottom. He'll quickly develop a rhythm as I slowly immerse myself in the hypnotizing cadence. I'll feel the weight of his hand...the increasing warmth spreading across my body as he continues to offer this gift. I'll hear the sound of each smack coupled with the increase in my breathing while relishing in intimacy. Yes, we can still participate in this play.

I'll be brought out of my reverie by the sensation of his hand simply resting on my ass. He'll continue scolding me for whatever transgression I confessed. His voice will remain soft but sternness will touch every word. I’ll refrain from speaking...this is my part of the play.

Eventually, I'll feel his hand reach under my panties as he slowly peels them down to my knees. A sharp intake of breath and possible plea for an end will pass my lips. "Not yet," will pass his.

The cool air will provide some comfort to my warm skin and I know a rosy hue is under the surface waiting to erupt. He'll gently rub my ass and may give a little squeeze to each cheek. His hand will leave as I am forced to wait. He’s in control now...that is my gift.

He can use his hand or paddle or belt to continue...choice is his. Another gift from me.

He'll pull me closer to his body and simply state, "I love you." I'll feel the burn as I hear the crack of something…his hand will feel hot, the paddle cold and the belt warm...choice is his.

He'll continue to smack my bottom as the rosy hue bubbles to the surface. The warmth evolve to stinging and eventually pain...pleasure...both. I'll get lost in the intensity of this world as my body reaches out for more. As it finally ends, he'll slowly caress my ass while summoning me to this world with his soothing words.

I'll make my way back, languishing in the pleasure of having this need satisfied...for now.

I'll find myself resting on his lap while his arms provide a secure blanket of comfort and safety. I will feel peace here...his gift to me. I'll nestle deeper into his chest and smile at the question in his eyes...my gift to him.

What happens next is my dilemma. If we do have sex am I a slut? I think so, especially since I am in another monogamous relationship. Good, you agree.

If we don't have sex, am I a tease or a normal girl? Sure, it could be construed as teasing but it could also be considered flirting (which is normal human behavior). Now do you see my dilemma?!

Yeah, she thought so too…and likes the play.

Think I’ll be a normal girl after all.

I wonder...

I wonder if I'll ever be able to articulate my thoughts and feelings without resorting to this "prose."

Is it really easier for me to express them this way or just something I can hide behind ? A way to have a barrier between me and them ...to take the edge off the rawness ?

Otherwise, they seem so intense, confusing and ...brutal.

I wonder if this is how true artists feel. If they experience the same sense of freedom I do...and the desperation.

The need to release becomes consuming...the fear of being devoured by them growing...until I write.

I wonder if this makes me an artist ? A wannabe ? Or simply desperate ?

I wonder if it will ever get easier. My head knows it will...has in the past.

Still, I wonder if that will be the truth.

Will the intensity wane...will I breath again ? I wonder when...

I wonder if it is worth it. Did I make the right choice ? For me ? My family ? For you ?

I wonder if I am just being selfish....I am.

I wonder what that makes me...human.

I wonder if that is enough...it has to be.

I know this is all I can do...for now.